***Arghx...So Bored!!***

Today such a boring day!!!
Actually can meet baby today but in the end nv meet so sad...
Today thinking alot of things...family stuff, the usual stuff i am troubled of..
thinking about baby..Miss U like Crazy!!..haix..wonder how i gonna survive when he go Ns sia..the 3mths Bmt will be li a life time to me for sure..i The relationship till now..4mth + duno how he make me love him so much..cant imagine the life w/o him..otday was thinking if one day he no longer by my side..what should i do?? I have simply no idea...i was thinking is it possible for me accept other guysif he left me..Answer to me Now is a NO..my whole heart is occupied by him and my family....mostly him i guess..he is the support i can find when i m in trouble..he always make me feel at eased no matter what happen to me..he always manage to make me smile make me laugh by the little things he do..maybe he didnt realise, whenever i m real unghappy, little things he say, little expression from his face make me smile make me feel he really care for me....

Thinking alot bt him today..wonder how we get together..somehow i feel its quite a fate..i didnt noe him in sch, i noe him at wrk..if i will to noe him in sch instead of wrk i might nv fall in love w him cox i somehow detest having relationship with sch mates..hmm...love him so much..how i wish he really really noes and understand everytime i say i love u meant alot and not simply jux a normal 3 wrd tt couples say out...i may say it alot of times but everytime i say it i mean it...

Okay tts all for now...continue my boring night and slack..yawnx...SO BORED!!!



******

Perhaps i really didnt give him a way out except to lie to me...but i feel no matter what kind of situation he shouldnt have lie to me...i hate ppl who lie to me..i hate..totally hate...but y doesnt he have to lie to me..its the 2nd time..and on the 1st time i have already told him about my hatred for that...

i know i didnt give him a way out..but i jux dont understand..everytime he got a whole day to spend he will choose his frenx...but for short hours after his wrk..2-3 hrs..those pathetic short hours is left for me only....i dont understand y..sometimes i was thinking he doesnt love me..i m jux someone that can accompany him when his frenx is not with him..i hate that feeling..thats y i make a big fuss out of it..

frm last night i m feeling so awful inside me..wishing that today he could be by my side to give me the comfort that i have been waiting for the whole night but instead he wan to be w his frenx..and even give me the hope if i will wait till night i will get to see him..to comfort me at least a little but it all turns out to be a lie..a lie and hurts me deeply dix time...its the 2nd one...

i feel so awful now...i duno wad to do..i duno wad i wan...i cant think properly anymore..he doesnt know wad i m facing in my inner heart now..i feel tired..feel li throwing everyting behind me..including my 2 most love..my mom and u...i feel li running awy frm u 2...and be alone forever....alone from everyone....alone from this stoopid life i m facing...i feel li giving up on everything..giving up on things i've been tryin so hard all the while..dix is the 1st time i m feeling that...the very 1st time..but i m struggling...i love u..i dont wanna lose u at all..i dont wan..but i m so tired....not only becox of u....but aso of lots of things....u will never really understand..i have to always act the happy face infrnt of everyone includin u..i m so sick of that....



***Haix...***

Haiz..for duno what reason my mood is so damn bad...really feel like crying but no reason for me to cry at all...whats has got into me??
i feel so lousy..i really wanna cry now..but who can lend me a shoulder at dix time...i wan my baby to lend me his shoulder to cry..jux let me cry..no reason but jux need to..feeling so down recently..no confident of myself at all..duno what to do to it at all..but i dun wan my baby to feel frustrated irritated or wad eva..i jux need him to let him cry in his arms...without thinking too much...everytime i didnt really cry my hearts out is cox i dont wan him to be unhappy..i wan him to be happy with me always happy with me...cox i love him..rather suffer the pain den let him pain w me...but i jux cant take it anymore..i can no longer cope with my inner emotions alone..all the while my very inner emotions i hide i try to ignore i try to pretend nothin happen..so my love ones will not worry bt me and be happy...but i can no longer cope anymore..i am losing the energy to control it anymore....i really feel like crying now...cant take it..lost...duno wad to do...i dont even have a real and clear answer or solution on what has happen to me and how can i do somthing to it to make myself feel better....

everytime when i was with him i do feel better...being with someone u deeply love is a v happy thing..it make me forget my inner trouble for a while..but when late at night..when he is not with me...neither do i see him nor hear him...i feel so terrible..i distract myself by watching anime, tv, playing game...whatever but it doesnt work..i feel terrible..really terrible...i wanna cry..somehow i wish it will rain tonight...raining makes me cry better...wish i had my own room to cry out...without my family worrying about me....i can only cry late at night in my bed quietly...that feels terrible...cryin secretly and quietly simply such makes me cry more..i can cry till morning without slpin...haix...i cant take it tts y i try to write something in the blog to figure out whats wrong..tryin to search my heart to find some answer...but i simply couldnt..my whole mind is thinkin about my baby..wishing he could always be by me..get me out of my troubles...i m too down now to think anymore..i jux wanna have a good cry tonight... ... thats all i could and want to do for now... ...



***Jux couldnt make myself sleep***

Thinkin alot of things..jux cant slp...restless night...feeling so tired now le..7am in the morning feeling so sleepy but jux could not slp...duno what to type also..alot of say but duno how to put in words.. ... End



***I must try harder and learn better***

Tonight baby went clubbing..seriously saying i dont like to club and i dont like my bf to club as well..which is like he say he wanna go clubbing i was a little bit upset but i try not to show it out too much..
I dont wan him to feel as if he is being controlled by me..though i expet him to get home by a certain timing...i think he will feel i m tryin to control his life..mayb i didnt say it in a better way ba..jux dont wan him to get home too late as he got to wrk the following day...hmm..
i m learnin to let go.. i m a possessive person..i always wan my boy to be by my side..100% focus on me..even if he had to totally neglect his fren has no life of his own...i dont want that to happen...
so i m still learning to let go..let him have his freedom, i feel that dix way he may love me more..i m learnin and tryin hard...i guess i just need time...i lack confident..so mayb i should build up my confidence as well..so i can trust myself..in other words if i can trust myself..i can trust him better..and can let go better ba...still figuring how shld i go about doin it...hmmm
hmmm..
hmmm...
thinking...
thinking...
.. ... ...



***Gonna Miss u~***

today so happy he is here w me..if nt i will feel so unhappy the whole day feeling useless..n wad eva shit la...glad tt he is dere when i needed tt hug
i noe he aso try to b dere for me...i noe he tried hrd..i noe i m unreasonable i aso duno..feel so useless..li cant do anithing in life...haix

He gt his army letter last night..today i see his army letter..its nxt week...omg its li so sudden..haix...really gonna miss him damn alot..since we started the longest period of time we didnt see each other is li 2-3 days..only 2-3days i cant take it le..now he going army so soon..i m nt mentaly prepared yet..i noe i gonna miss him damn alot...i m scared i cant cope well on my own...cox he wont be dere when i need him..n is nt cox he dont wan is he cant...haix..so sad...i jux hope he can get dose kind of unit tt he can go home every night and come out every weekend...so tt at least i can see & hug him...really gonna miss u so much..haix..thinkin bt he goin army..really scared i cant handle my ownself...i cant even handle my ownself..how m i gonna comfort him..i dont think its easy for him aso..to go NS..i need to support n comfort him..i wish i can do tt...

I dont really believe in gods..but i love the sky..the clouds..
so i jux wished to the sky give me the energy to do tt and to solve anithin tt comes to my life..



***I quit***

I finally still quit my job..cant take it...haix...so far plus make my hand bleed li hell..so painful...
come to think..feel so worthless..maybe i m still nt mature enough ba..i really duno...haix..aso duno how..

today quite funny also.take bus 89e till changi cargo dere drop de bus..went to the opposite side bus stop and decide to really quit li di...take i think bus 19 to tampinese and change to bus 969 to find my baby..lucky my baby no wrk today aso...haha...lucky i gt him to accompany when i feel down..haix...

+_+
to be continued~~



***1st day at work***

First day at work..nt v good but nt ver bad aso...sian
Damn..1st thing is the stoopid bus damn long..somemre my concession wasted cant used..damn
2nd things is the job, i tot i suppose to do data entry..but i was asked to do all shit except data entry..all the shit dey call me to do...alright la..its versy easy but boring..and it hurts my hand..
somemre imagine every mornin hsa to go so damn early to work..its tiring sia..n i die die mus complete dix 1 mth job...mainly for the sake of money...
i m really broke li hell..if i dont wrk durin dix vacation, i dont think i have much time left to work...year 2.2 start, gt elective will be damn bz...den soon yr 3.1 gt SIP..which is li damn damn buxy no way u can really work i guess?haha
duno..

Only thing tt make me happy today is my baby...i was thinkin of my baby whole day in the office..miss him so much...awhile apart i aso miss him damn alot...hao ai ta..
tot wont get to see him today..didnt wanna ask him out cox scared he tired..i m v tired too but if i can see him, i dont mind how tired m i...dix time i didnt ask him out....is my baby who ask me out to meet for dinner...cant explain the happiness...jux feel damn alot happy sia..can get to see him when i tot i couldnt...haha
love baby...

tml another day of stoopid work...i belive i can hang on the 1 mth ba..cox i have my baby, gt my baby everything is possible for me...heex..