***tots to say***

wondering abt baby past alot this few days..when i m in daze on bus, at home, bathing..thinkin alot i duno the real thing...how i wish he could tell me now...yesterday on phone w him, wanted to ask him but i didnt..i duno y..i jux ask if he love me and i ask him mus love me no matter wad...jux to calm myself n stop myself frm askin him the doubts and trouble in my heart..dix few days was kinda moody for me..wanted to hear him n him to make me laugh, so i stop myself frm askin regardin my doubts..startin was alright but in the end we went to a topic tt we've been talkin it alot of times...
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Its career..
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I had a 3 siblings older den me, only 1 with better education all feel sign on is nt good at all, its li no future...den i heard alot of my cousins too, the cousins tt are all older den me alot...and aso my brother-in-law which is nt well educated, he signed on b4..he knows wat it is like..tts y after the 1st bond he stop continuing and he went pursue other career..he gt all kinds of driving license for duno wat reason..he gt jobs all is regarding driving regardless of wat type of vechicle..he survive well though...
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family side i heard too much, its a influence to me somehow, fren side..i had alot guy fwen..most close to me went thru army and all feel sign on is nt gd at all..this another influence...
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with family n fwen influence,
i, myself tot bt it aso..army- a gov sector-wat is it?-requires gd lvl of education-to promote in terms of rank n pay--no gd lvl of education in gov sector army=slave for dem untill the age of 40 and live ur life behind tougher...
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now i really duno..my mom has been pressuring me of his smoking..i accept it i jux ignore...she aso has been naggin to me sayin sign on nt gd...she said till as if if baby sign on i better nt be w him cox i cant have a gd life....i m a family concious person even i dun look like...i mind alot wat my family say...which i mind alot how my family wld feel bt baby..dey like baby = i love baby mre to the extent i cant live w/o him....
my fear is scared they dont like him but he dun understand..
i dun mind suffer w him forever really...but i mind too much on how my family will see him..i wan dem truely like him...
i dun mind suffer w him provided he is always hrdwrkin and put in effort in everythin he do n be confident...(i mean cant expect tt i dun mind when he laze arund right)
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i have my worries...but aso i felt i m selfish(he selfish too but since he dont understand my worries i cant blame him)i m selfish tt i put my tots into him stoppin him frm signing on..
i said wrk, save $ and study and get on w life w effort..tts the only way ...nt only him..i myself know tt its damn damn hrd..no one said its easy..but no one said its impossible.. he asked him yesterday wat if fail, he is no longer young! i duno how to ans tt really...but at same time i m disappointed, he nv tried n he said he will fail...ya we mus think of pros n cons but this way alot ppl tried it, he's nt the only one...alot ppl succeeded..as long as u put in effort, u can do it..i deeply believe in it n believe in him but...
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letting him off..letting him do wat he want which is to sign on- i have tot bt it b4..i have tot bt jux let him be..at least things doesnt turn out gd..he wont have an excuse to blame me..he faced his own music..but i jux cant..its selfish of me to do so as well...
i aso scared if he do my way n he fail, he may blame me for life..i duno want tt...currently i haven tot of anithin perfect at all yet...
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at 1st i tell myself...okay...let him sign on..earn the money in army--one way study while serving, if gt chance get promoted which is gd...---2nd is sign on..earn the money in army, and discontinue sign on, come out study and get job....arghx!!!
tts y when he sms me in the morning sayin signin on is the best way n easiest way out...i told him to check n think if the prospect is gd..if its gd i dun mind...in army if u gt chance to study definately dey will promote u..n w higher education and w effort w correct attitude..u might survive even better inside den outside...BUT is provided ur sign on can gives u such prospect...
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blogging is gd..at least wrds i duno how to say i can type it out...messy minds n tots can be somehow sorted better by bit by bit..mayb nt all but it helps...if baby see dix super long blog...talk to me bt how u feel n we'll discuss the problem again...reagrdless of chatting on phone, face to face, msn, sms nt prefer cox exp(but if bo bian nvm)..jus talk to me...if u nv see dix blog, i may talk to u bt it face to face..if nt..i aso duno....
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End of tots for today

Jas@8:40 pm